What is your idea of earthly paradise?
Twin sisters, champagne, log fire ... No, sorry. A walk in the countryside with my trusty canine companion, Banjo.
What is your idea of living hell?
Walking through the crowd after a bad gig and realising the exit is at the very back of the room.
Under what circumstances do you lie?
For hard cash.
What is your most endearing feature?
My lack of self-knowledge.
What is your most
annoying habit?
Not finishing what I sta ...
Which historical figure do you most admire?
Ernest Shackleton. For his bravery and leadership. Plus, he went back and rescued all his friends.
Which living person do you most identify with?
Someone I really admire is Sir Bob Geldof. Being a childless non-popstar who has never done any work for charity I can't really say I identify with him, but he is someone I greatly respect.
What have you loved
and lost?
My first flat. It was bought by someone who, I suspect, didn't appreciate its magical cosiness the way I did. People do fall in love with their homes. I miss it a lot. I wake up every day in the house where I live now, which I don't really like, and think why did I sell that flat?
Who or what is the love of your life?
My mum, Dot.
Where would you most like to call home?
See loved and lost above.
Who are your favourite writers?
Philip Roth, Jerome K Jerome and Anthony Bourdain. I have just finished reading Philip Roth's novel, The Dying Animal, and I really enjoyed that. He writes about relationships, which is also what I write about, but he does it infinitely better than me. He is also very sophisticated, totally filthy, but brilliant. He is not ashamed either. I sometimes think I'd like to write that kind of prose, but then I remember my mum is still alive and she has a weak heart.
What CDs are you listening to?
The Foo Fighters: One by One, Gene Pitney's Greatest Hits and stuff I've nicked off the internet.
What makes you most happy?
No work.
What makes you most unhappy?
No work.
If you could have dinner with anyone who would it be?
Billy Connolly during the starter, a main course with Muhammad Ali and pudding with Jenny Agutter. As a fellow comedian I wouldn't be interested in Billy Connolly making me laugh, I would just want to learn everything he knows about comedy. Muhammad Ali is, of course, one of the greatest sporting legends of all time. As you are getting a little four sheets to the wind, Jenny Agutter would be the perfect company. When I was younger every boy my age had a crush on her. I think it would be the perfect way to round off the evening. Then I could try Billy's jokes on her.
What can't you do without?
Oxygen and my lungs.
Who can't you live without?
No one. I do it on my own.
What are your favourite names?
Ethel, Elsie and Flossie.
What is the most stupid thing you have done?
Re-arranged my contact lenses after chopping chillies.
What is the most admirable thing you have done?
I'm sure there must be something. No, sorry. Nothing comes to mind. Must try harder.
The A-Z of Being Single by Jeff Green, published by Time Warner Books at (pounds) 6.99, is out now.
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