KEVIN Porter was just 18 when he served as a Royal Navy Communicator on HMS Fearless in the Falklands.

While onboard he wrote a diary which detailed his graphic and emotional journey of war.

It is a journey that led Kevin to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a journey which he eventually turned into his story in a newly published book called Fearless.

Kevin, now 53, spoke to the Daily Echo about his time on HMS Fearless, his struggle with coming to terms with PTSD and how the book became his lifeline.

At the time of the Falklands War Kevin was living in Cumbria where he returned physically- but by no means, emotionally intact, the young hero.

But today, living in Hampshire and working as a hypnotherapist and counsellor alongside his day job in HR, he revealed it took 20 years to face up to the devastating effect the conflict had on his life.

Even to this day he says he has to keep the original diary by his bedside – he cannot be parted from it.

Fearless contains reflections direct from the diary, alongside those as an older adult. It is an emotionally charged and brutally honest view of an 18-year-old in conflict, expressing fear, excitement and terror.

As a tactical radio operator, serving in the Royal Navy aboard HMS Fearless, Kevin was stationed up top on the signals bridge, where he saw the fighting and devastation first hand.

His book is his personal account of ‘War in the Falklands’, using his journal entries made on an almost daily basis throughout the conflict.

The emotional rollercoaster ride takes us from leaving his home town and family, the conflict days and traumatic terror of war, to his triumphant return. Then the dark days of PTSD, anxiety and depression that followed and how it affected him and his family.

Kevin said: “Before leaving home my dad gave me a book to write a diary of events. It was his one regret of his Army days not keeping a journal to reflect on what happened to him throughout his army career in the Royal Artillery.

“For me it was quite important to record what was going on. I knew I was taking part in some incredible history and I was carrying the diary around everywhere. I kept it in my respirator in a plastic bag all the time in case it got wet.

“When you read it as the original book there doesn’t seem much emotion in it even when I tell how the Argentine General Belgrano sunk and people are killed. It’s very factual although later on it gets emotional.

“I think that’s because I was in a state of shock. It was frightening. I knew we wouldn’t turn back but the reality was quite shocking.

“The Belgrano just broke in half – about 350 people were killed and several hundred were lying around and the thought of those poor men in the water terrified the life out of me. It could have been me; it wasn’t a huge celebration for me. When it happened it just went quiet.”

Kevin continues: “I wasn’t the most creative of writers and was constantly busy and when I wasn’t I just put my head down to sleep. There wasn’t time to reflect. It was just constant.

“I’ve read my diary many times. It’s still beside my bed. When I put it up in the loft to try and separate myself from it I couldn’t sleep and I got it down again.

“I had many discussions about should I publish it or not. I started writing about it and the issues I was having. It was partly for cathartic reasons but also for the history of it.

“There are not many books like this, written by an 18-year-old soldier. I was in a very unique position on the bridge.”

Writing it was to be extremely tortuous but it became part of Kevin’s lengthy healing process.

“It really did help me writing it – but it took me 15 years to complete the book. I’d be sitting by the computer screen and tears would be falling down my face and I’d be sobbing and had to shut it down.

“My ex-wife, Jackie, didn’t really get involved. She’s had her fill of the Falklands. The Falklands experience had almost taken my life and with the way I was behaving she just left me to get on with it. Jackie had also suffered a lot of pain and we’d been together since 1982.

“I got to a point where I met a guy, Graham Carter, on a coaching course who gave me the tools to use to overcome some of the issues I was having and I was drinking a lot – a lot of red wine.

“He recommended ‘submodality change’ so you describe what you really like about red wine and then describe what you wouldn’t like to taste and then you transcribe your experience of one to the other. That was October 2014 and I haven’t drunk since!

“I’d done 20,000 words at that point. And then I got a job travelling from Havant to Southampton on the train and wrote 50,000 more words in just three months on the journeys to work thanks to what Graham had done for me.

“I’d also received help from Combat Stress in 2004/05. I left it 20 years before I sought help and then in 2007 I went back to the Falklands as part of my recovery.”

Kevin was holding down good jobs but he says it transpired that he had subconscious PTSD and anxiety with depressive features.

“The night before I flew back out there I was covered in psoriasis from head to toe. There was a ceremony at the cemetery at San Carlos but it was too emotional and I couldn’t go in there. After the service I was walking up the hill and then I was running and screaming and waving my arms around. I sat there and looked across San Carlos water, took a drink from my hip flask and said a prayer and I felt incredible. Three or four days later the doctor saw me and the psoriasis had gone and he said: ‘What miracle brought this on’.

“It was facing up to my demons and maybe the prayer.

“I had prayed on the first day of the attacks. I went into the toilet and my whole body was shaking and trembling and I prayed. I have a belief. I’m not a church goer but it helped me. I watched the ships coming in burning and saw the bomb exploding on the Antelope – she was just 1,000 yards from us, and then The Coventry and I spent three days waiting to hear if my cousin was safe. The lads on ship got shot at. I saw a colleague get shot at in the head. His helmet split in two and it cut into his skull. And he got shot in the calf leaving blood and muscle all over the floor. He was ripped to shreds and I had to hose it all down and carry on.

“When I came home it was wonderful and great but I later got into trouble with the police – it was alcohol fuelled. Everywhere I went I was the star of the party and I was welcomed home and then I went and smashed a window and I felt I’d let everyone down and that was the beginning of it. My dad sat me down and told me you are scarred and need to tell them you are struggling. I couldn’t tell people I was struggling because I was the local hero – but I felt like a nutter. I couldn’t admit it though – not even to my parents, not for years.

“I’d been to an NHS psychiatrist and just sobbed and they said there was nothing wrong with me. It was only when I went to a private one that they picked up I had a nihilistic personality where I try to destroy things that are good about my life.

“I used to keep these good jobs and then I’d come home and drink and argue with my wife. I wasn’t sleeping and was covered in psoriasis for 20-odd years.

“On our 15th wedding anniversary – July 6, 2000, my wife Jackie gave birth to twins. Everyone thought we had the perfect life. As she was giving birth I went down ‘the business end’ and Ethan was struggling to get out. When he was born my wife said see how he is and I took a look to the left hand side and there on the floor it was covered with blood and guess where that took me back to?

“For the next two or three years I then became a total animal. I just took to drinking and was highly argumentative.”

The birth was very traumatic for Jackie who he says almost died as she lost six units of blood.

“I was just pushed out of the operating theatre. Jackie suffered post natal depression so it was tough and I wasn’t good at dealing with tough. “

Kevin has dedicated the book to Jackie “who was by my side and we struggled together for 34 years and to all those who fought, and those that fell, in the war in 1982”.

Also, he says, it is for “my beautiful twins, Holly and Ethan, who have bought so much joy and pride to my life.

“Our families who supported us then and are now having to deal with us and their tragedies over these 35 years”.

Was 18 too young to go to war?

“It was part of our job,” says Kevin. “We had been trained to do this but not for the psychological aspect. When you join the armed forces you know you might have to fight but is 18 too young? I don’t know, but you are there with your mates and you are working as a team.”

l Ten per cent of the sale of this book is being contributed to Combat Stress The Veterans Mental Welfare Charity.

The book is available on Amazon and Kindle, and if anyone wishes to purchase a signed copy, they can email Kevin and request one on kpfearless@outlook.com.