THE other day a friend was complaining about the agony of his long distance relationship.

Sighing deeply and clutching a photograph of his girlfriend he whined that he only got to see his beloved at weekends.

I was disgusted at his performance: “We were supposed to be meeting for a curry” I reminded him “and yet I find you still at home, crying, like a woman.”

“I am not crying,” he replied tearfully.

Part of the reason I was so appalled is that his partner only lives a couple of hours away.

I reminded him I had dated a girl in Australia and, outside of a space hottie, this is the ultimate long distance relationship.

“But you hated her” he wailed.

I assumed this was the hurt talking so resisted the temptation to strike him.

“I didn’t hate her,” I said through gritted teeth “I just didn’t think we were suited.”

In truth I had been surprised when this holiday romance had landed on my doorstep and I did feel his pain about the trials and tribulations of the long distance relationship, albeit in a more manly way.

Since my Australian adventures I have picked up few sexual air miles but have dated girls who live in different cities around the country.

Long distance relationships are problematic because every aspect is accelerated and you are always on your best behaviour.

If you get to see a girlfriend all the time the shiny “new boyfriend” veneer quickly rubs off.

However, if you only get to see each other for the occasional stolen weekend you are going to make sure you are refreshed, well-groomed, charming and attentive, top this off with a stream of romantic texts and you may end up feeling affectionate and committed far to soon.

Also if you are visiting someone you need to establish that you are coming for a date and all that entails.

It would be a stinging insult to travel for miles and give up your weekend and not even get a kiss, just a frigid handshake and a playful punch in the arm.

Whereas in your hometown you can tell a girl you like your cat has just died and you need a night out to cheer you up, and see what happens.

My long-term girlfriend and I spent weeks apart during the university holidays and, as she was lovely, we valued every moment we spent together.

However, it has been different when I have dated other women from different cities.

I remember visiting one girl I was seeing only to be told I couldn’t keep just “popping around” to sleep with her.

This left me pondering two points; could a two-hour train journey be described as “popping around” and in the absence of sex what were we going to spend the weekend doing?

The answer to my second question rapidly became apparent: arguing.

I realised I must have mentally checked out of this conversation when I noticed her ear lobes were slightly different sizes.

After she said we weren’t going to be sleeping together I must have stopped listening and started to mentally sketch out the quickest route home.

I dipped in and out of the conversation to see if there was anything I needed to know and it was something like: “never listen”, “not working” and “why do you keep staring at my ears?”

She finished with: “and I don’t expect to appear in your column and made to look crazy,” waving her arms around crazily.