THIS week I have been very sick. I have had a cold and a bad back. I suspect these conditions are interrelated.

My first malady struck me down at work and made me shiver, snivel and splutter for days. I am tempted to call it what it is but I have an image of several women I know raising their collective eyes and muttering “man flu.”

I have heard this phrase several times in the past and it always stings, particular when the accusers I am thinking of complained so much about the pain of childbirth.

Shortly after my sickness set in, my back started to throb as well.

The only woman in the office at the time was my female adviser who, as a trusted confidante, has long since ceased to exist below the neck in my mind.

That meant it was okay to whine, blow my nose and cough up nastiness in her presence. But later that night I foolishly went to the gym thinking this might help mend me.

This meant I had to talk to other women, and this meant I would feel obliged to hide my illness.

Obviously there is no shame in my having a cold but whenever someone tells me they are under the weather I always suspect they are probably a perpetually sickly person and I despise them for it.

As such I tried to pretend I always spoke in a croaky, nasal way as I made chit chat.

The back spasms provoked the occasional involuntary shudder which may have troubled them – as damage limitation I tried to ensure this disturbing movement didn’t happen too near any women who were sweaty or bending over.

However, the most annoying thing was the snivelling.

If they had noticed my nose was slightly red they had been polite enough not to mention it.

I thought that continually blowing it on a small ball of tissue in my pocket would not be considered a seductive gesture.

As such I kept disappearing to the toilet with a frequency that only a severe bladder problem could explain.

After I had stayed for a long enough time to be respectable I headed home to feel sorry for myself.