4:04pm Tuesday 30th September 2008
By Paula Thompson
SCIENTISTS say one in 100 people have absolutely no interest in sex. This growing community of men and women say there is no medical cause for their lack of libido – they are simply asexual, and happy that way.
Experts have been aware of asexuality since the 1940s but little research exists on the subject and results are controversial. Sceptics dismiss the concept as a treatable, hormonal imbalance or the result of deep-rooted psychological trauma.
But members of the world’s largest asexual community, the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (Aven), beg to differ. Some even suggest asexuality is a third sexual orientation.
Membership to Aven has increased by 30 per cent in the last year and there are now 24,000 men and women swapping stories and seeking answers online at asexuality.org. Here, two asexuals tell their stories.
■ Natasha Alexander is a 19- year-old student from Hampshire.
“I was about 14 when I started to think there was something different about me.
At 16 I found there was actually a name for it.
I don’t feel any sexual desire and never have.
I was always a bit of a tomboy and then my friends suddenly started getting interested in boys and kept on asking me who I fancied and why I didn’t have a boyfriend.
It was an isolating, confusing, and sometimes lonely, experience. I felt pressure to be likemy friends and went along with conversations just to shut them up. It used to really bother me but now I am comfortable with who I am. I think it’s more of an issue for other people than it is for me.
Moving away to university could have been hard but luckily my friends are open-minded.
I haven’t “come out”
officially. I tell people if they ask, but I don’t feel the need to make any big announcements.
I’m attracted to men, but it’s not a sexual attraction. I believe you can be asexual and gay, or asexual and straight. I can be mentally or aesthetically attracted to someone but have no desire to sleep with them. People think an asexual relationship must be just a close friendship but it’s more than that.
I’ve had a couple of relationships.
One only lasted a month and we split up because he couldn’t deal with us not sleeping together. He said I was frigid and there was something wrong with me.
But I was with another boyfriend for two years and he was understanding.
I’m open with boyfriends and tell them the situation early on. Like anyone, I like being close to someone and I like hugs and cuddling. I will kiss someone but it has to be the right person.
I’ve never had sex. The idea doesn’t repulse me; I just don’t feel the need or want to.
Asexuality can be medical but I went to the doctors andmy hormone levels are normal.
And I don’t think it’s something that needs correcting.
People always ask “but what do you do?”. They can’t get their heads round it but I think that’s because of the importance our society places on sex.
There’s more to life and a lot more to a loving relationship than sleeping with someone.
I have a big group of friends, I’m at university and I hope to train to be a teacher. I do all the things everyone else does, I just don’t have sex.
I don’t know whether I will want to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with.
They would have to be very understanding. I’m not really thinking about that at the moment. Maybe in the future I will change my mind, but at the moment I am happy.”
■ Jane Smith* is a 23-year-old asexual from New Milton “It began as a child.When people asked me what I wanted to do in life the idea of a husband and children never came up.
When I was a teenager my friends all fancied people but I didn’t.
I can see when someone is handsome but I don’t have any urge to date them or be with them physically.
I’ve had brief relationships but it would always get to the point where they wanted to take it further and I didn’t.
There are some people who have low libidos or some psychological reason for not wanting sex but that’s not it for me. Tests have shown my hormone levels are normal.
I’ve never slept with anyone and when I’ve been in that situation it repulsed me.
I’ve tried experimenting on my own but I just feel stupid.
At first I just thought I was a late bloomer. I was 15 or 16 when I saw the word “asexual”
in a newspaper. I looked it up on the Internet and thought it sounded like me.
I became good at hiding it.
My previous work place was a mostly male environment and I learnt to be flirtatious and join in with the jokes and innuendoes. It’s like when you’re young and the adults are all laughing and you just laugh along.
I haven’t told my friends yet.
They know I’m celibate and I think they might be waiting for me to say something first. I can’t imagine telling my parents.
I amstill attracted to people.
You get butterflies and want to be around them. It’s like a crush but with no physical desire.
The thought of growing old alone worries me. Maybe I’ll want to be in a relationship when I’m in my 40s or 50s but at the moment I’m so happy being alone.
I prefer to be by myself and when I was younger I avoided making friends altogether. I’m a loner, but I’m not lonely because it’s what I’ve chosen.
I have to be in the mood for hugs. I’m not a touchy-feely person and when I was younger I wouldn’t even shake hands with people.
It’s annoying that sex has lost its romance. I actually feel sorry for women who are sexual. It’s so clinical and has lost all its mysticism.
I just can’t fathom it. I can understand wanting to have romance, a husband and children but I can’t cope with the thought of it for myself.
If I saw a man tomorrow and fancied him I wouldn’t limit myself. I’m asexual today but we’ll see what happens tomorrow.
You don’t have to be devoid of emotion to be asexual. I’m not an empty shell with eyes. And I do exactly the same as everyone else but I just have a few more extra hours to do it in!
It’s a bit like if you don’t like vanilla ice cream or chocolate.
People who love it, are astounded you don’t feel the same. But it doesn’t seem all that strange to you.”
*Not her real name.
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