I’M ENGAGED BUT CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MY EX

I have recently got engaged but instead of being happy, I cannot stop thinking about my first boyfriend. We’ve had no contact in years and the relationship wasn’t even that good anyway, so why can’t I get past this?

FIONA SAYS: THIS IS COMPLETELY NATURAL

Everyone’s first love leaves powerful memories, so I’d be surprised if you were ever able to completely forget this man.

It’s not unnatural, when you enter what you hope will be a permanent relationship, to be thinking about past loves. It’s all part of the process of reassuring yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Try to relax and realise that all you are doing is making comparisons to be certain you are happy with what you’ve now got, and simply to reflect on what’s come before.

Don’t try to wipe these memories, they form a part of your past and relate to things that have made you the person you are now.

HOW CAN I HELP MY DAUGHTER MOVE ON FROM DIVORCE?

My 24-year-old daughter doesn’t seem to be getting over her divorce last year. It was a messy affair, and a lot of awful things were said, so as she was suffering badly, she moved back to us and rented out her flat.

A year on, she shows no sign of wanting her home back or of getting on with her life. She’s working but she stays in every evening, and if I suggest that she should go out, she accuses me of trying to get rid of her.

That’s not the case at all, but I do want her to be happy and I don’t know how to help her.

FIONA SAYS: LOVE AND SUPPORT IS ALL YOU CAN REALLY GIVE

You clearly love and care for her very much. However, these things do take time and it sounds like she’s really not ready yet. A year is not really that long.

Being supportive and offering gentle encouragement - but only where it’s welcome - is something she may really appreciate.

But she’s clearly not ready yet and, as you’ve found, resents any pressure in this direction. She’ll know when she’s ready, so do follow her lead on that. There is no rule that says she should be ‘back out there’ after a certain length of time. Divorce hurts and it can also have a long-term effect on confidence too.

Also, it’s important to consider the pandemic too. Going out and mixing with people simply is not as easy as it usually is anyway.

If you are genuinely happy for her to stay with you, all you can do for the moment is continue to provide love and support until she feels ready to move on.