DEATH, murder, rape, cancer, misery.
And BBC bosses wonder why no one watches EastEnders any more.
Ratings have plunged to less than six million for the first time in its history, down from a historic high of more than three times that.
They’ve attempted to blame ratings sensation Britain’s Got Talent, which clashes with the soap on ITV. But as big a draw as BGT is, particularly the fancy footwork of our fabulous local talents Kai Widdrington and Natalia Jeved, that’s just an excuse.
Millions of fed up fans have deserted the show over months and even years because the storylines are so dreadfully depressing.
I gave up on the soap a long time ago, but from what I can gather from the odd few minutes I do catch, cheating and beating is about all they can muster at the moment.
At least rival Corrie, which is still pulling in around 8.5 million viewers, brings a touch of humour to life on the cobbles with Norris at his belligerent best and the Platt mob up to their usual ridiculous antics.
But, Enders has bumped off even the vaguely amusing characters Pat with her comedy earrings and George Michael obsessed Heather.
There’s plenty enough doom and gloom in the world and, as well as much needed scandal, I’d like to see the EastEnders scriptwriters bring a little joy to Albert Square.
Perhaps The Queen could pay a visit to Walford Market as part of her Jubilee tour, Billy Mitchell will win the lottery, Dot Cotton could discover a cure for lung cancer and I’d choose Kat and Alfie to live happily ever after.
Go on, make my day.