Why it was hard to leave my violent husband

She didn't leave him when he tried to stop her from going to stay with a friend and grappled with her so roughly that he ripped her belly-bar out when she was heavily pregnant.

She decided to leave him several times but never quite made it. It was only when she realised it was not just her who was affected, but also their baby son George*, that she finally went.

But even after everything that had happened - years of psychological bullying as well as increasing violence - Jane says that when she finally left she didn't really mean it and expected to go back to her husband after a few weeks.

"It was more mental than physical to start with," Jane says of the ill-treatment that she received at the hands of her now ex-husband.

He had pressurised her into giving up work and looking after his children. She can list countless occasions when he bullied her, manipulating her to drive his children to hospital when she was heavily pregnant while he was off with his friends, making it difficult for her to have a life outside the home and behaving violently towards her cats.

"The physical violence started kicking in more and more towards the end. Mostly he was violent about sex: if I was tired or couldn't do it because after you've had a caesarean, like I did with George, they recommend that you wait for six to eight weeks.

"There was one night when he came upstairs at 2.30am when I was three or four months pregnant and wanted sex. I said no because I was too tired. He took me that night anyway, even though I'd said no'.

"There were other times like that."

After she had left him, Jane also learnt that her husband had had sex with her when she had been asleep and filmed it on his phone. She says that he had plied her with drink to ensure that she didn't wake up while he took advantage of her.

On a separate occasion, he left deep bruises on her throat, when she had tried to leave him.

"I thought I had a sore throat until the health visitor came and said what are those marks on your neck?'.

"They were finger and thumb prints where he'd held me down because I wanted to leave. I hadn't seen them because it got to the point where I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror.

"I often had marks on my arms and legs where he was too rough with me in the bedroom and he'd pull my hair."

Jane and her husband had planned to have a child together but she thinks he was jealous when George was born and this may have been why he became more violent towards her.

It was realising the effect her husband's behaviour was likely to have on her son that was the catalyst for Jane finally leaving.

"I do believe in marriage and it broke my heart to break my vows but when you've got children you have to think of them and the consequences.

"George has got a far better life here than we would have had if I had stayed," she says as she looks round the garden of her Hampshire home, strewn with children's toys, which two-year-old George charges around, enjoying the sunshine.

"I wasn't prepared to stay being abused and for George to see it."

Jane says because the abuse got slowly worse and worse over a number of years it took an outsider to make her realise what was going on.

"I was talking to a woman from the housing association which had helped us get our house and she said do you realise you're being abused?'."

At first Jane defended her husband but, after talking to her health visitor and doctor, she realised that she had to leave.

She was given the number of a refuge and told her husband that she was leaving. He didn't believe she would go - but then neither did she.

Jane had taken her son with her when she went to the refuge but had left her two cats with her husband.

"My friends told me that the cats were wandering round the streets and weren't being looked after properly," she says.

She heard about the RSPCA Pet Retreat scheme from a worker at the hostel. The charity arranges for temporary "foster" care for pets of people who are fleeing domestic abuse and, if necessary, find permanents home for the animals.

Jane returned to her home to collect the cats while her husband was at work and then handed them over to an RSPCA officer.

"I cried more giving the cats away than I did leaving my husband but I think it was the relief that I knew they were going to be safe.

"If the RSPCA hadn't taken my cats I think I would have gone back to him and I don't think I would have got away again," she admits.

"I think I would have used the cats as an excuse. I think a lot of people go back and use something daft as an excuse because it's easier to be there than not to be - which sounds really bizarre unless you've been there."

Eventually Jane and George were rehoused in Hampshire. She had friends in the area already and the pair - as well as their cats - have settled in well.

"Getting the cats back was like having normality again. It felt like I was getting my life back together."

Jane divorced her husband, although because of their son, he is still in their lives. However, his visits are sporadic and Jane would rather he stayed away.

"I always thought he should have contact with George, but my son's got so many good, decent role models that I don't feel that way anymore," she says.

"I'm single and I'm quite happy. I don't know if I'd ever want anyone back in my life because I'd have to put a lot of trust into someone.

"If I'd not had George, hand on heart, I would have stayed," she admits.

"I won't deny that my husband was ironically the greatest love I'll ever have but it was the wrong love."

*Not their real names

THE RSPCA's PetRetreat scheme was set up six years ago in Bristol.

Its purpose is to fill in the gaps left by domestic violence refuges, most of which cannot take in pets due to health and safety concerns.

Through the scheme, victims of domestic violence who are going into a refuge can have their pets looked after until they are able to take care of them themselves again.

It takes an average of seven years for a victim to leave an abusive partner, with many being unwilling to leave until they find a safe home for their pets.

Pets are often threatened, injured or killed by the violent partner as a way of frightening and intimidating their partner and children.

PetRetreat can help victims of domestic violence to escape their situation.

The RSPCA is appealing for more fosterers to come forward in Hampshire to look after pets.

Pets can come into a fosterer's care for anything from a few days to several months.

Fosterers mostly care for dogs and cats although they may have other animals such as birds, guinea pigs and hamsters to take care of.

Fosters should already have experience of owning a pet and may already have their own animals at home.

Anyone interested in finding out more about becoming a Petretreat fosterer should contact Carolyn Southwell on 0300 123 8278.

Contacts
Women's Aid/Refuge: 24-hour free phone number for victims of domestic violence 0808 2000247 Website: womensaid.org.uk or refuge.org.uk.

National Centre for Domestic Violence: 08709 220704/ 0800 9702070 Website: ncdv.org.uk.

RSPCA PetRetreat: 0300 1238278.