Penny's diary

I’ve decided to make a video diary in the hope it will aid me to deal with the whole situation and also help other people facing a similar situation.

Being 31 and with no history of breast cancer in my family, I was really surprised and initially found it upsetting.

The response from friends and family has been amazing. Its really quite humbling to realise how much people care about you.

I’ve got a whole lot to deal with in the coming months.

JULY 2006 It’s the morning of my operation to remove the lump and the lymph nodes on my left side. I’m feeling amazingly calm but I’m nervous about the way I’m going to feel afterwards and how my body’s going to look.

I’m feeling very positive. Fingers crossed this will be the only surgery I need.

I keep thinking about the fact that after cancer treatment I might not be able to have children which is very sad to me.

JULY 6, 2006 It’s 24 hours since I came round from the anaesthetic. I’ve had a lot of things going through my mind this morning: worries about fertility; how long I’m going to be off work and the financial implications; how it’s going to affect my appearance.

I hope I won’t need that much chemo. I want to get back to normal as quickly as possible.

I know it sounds weird but a lot of this has been quite positive. It’s certainly put my life into perspective and made me realise what’s important and a whole load of things that aren’t.

JULY 7, 2006 I’m feeling bright and breezy this morning. I have lots of get well cards. I can’t say enough about how supportive everybody has been.

It’s utterly overwhelming.

Good news: the cancer hasn’t spread to my lymph nodes. Not so good news: it’s grade three, which is the most aggressive.

One of my friends has offered to pay for me to have some of my eggs harvested and frozen. It’s really frustrating because I can’t get any information about this.

I could be starting chemo in two weeks. The fertility issue is the only side effect that concerns me because I really want children.

All I want to do now is spend time with the people I really care about. I’m not interested in having crazy nights out like I used to, I want to go for walks in the country and by the sea.

I still sometimes get a bit lonely. I’ve got this fantastic support network around me and I’m so grateful for that but I’d still love to have a special someone to share it all with and to give me a big hug.

I went to a fertility clinic for some advice and it became apparent that if I didn’t do something there and then I was going to miss my window of opportunity. Half an hour later I was having hormones injected into my legs.

I left with bags of needles and different types of drugs that I need to administer.

I’m really pleased I’m having it done. I’ve got no idea whether I’m going to get any NHS funding yet. It’s the most frustrating thing.

Hopefully I can conceive naturally when I get through all this – and find someone bonkers enough to take me on!

JULY 26, 2006 It’s half ten at night and I’m filming the most amazing thunderstorm. When something like this happens, simple things like thunder storms and the countryside seem so much more beautiful.

AUGUST 10, 2006 It’s my first day of chemo. I’m opting to have the cold cap which is like a thick swimming cap you put on to try and prevent hair loss. It’s lowered to a temperature of minus five in the hope that it reduces the follicle size around the hairs which stops the blood flow and prevents the drugs getting to them.

If it starts coming out I’m going to shave it all off. I can’t cope with waking up and having big clumps on my pillow.

St Bartholomew’s Hospital in London has frozen eight embryos for me. All I know about the donor male is that he is 6ft one with blue eyes and he’s a mechanical engineer.

Just had a message from the doctor to say they’ve approved the funding for my egg storage, woohoo!

I feel like I’ve got seasickness from the chemo but no worse than one of my hangovers so I should stop whinging!

AUGUST 26, 2006 I’ve been really busy doing charity bits for Wessex Cancer Trust. I’m probably trying to do a bit too much and I should try and relax a bit.

My hair’s started to fall out which I’m finding upsetting. It made me think about how people are going to react to me being bald. Will they treat me differently? Will they treat me with kid gloves? Is it going to affect my confidence? I am very nervous about it.

SEPTEMBER 10, 2006 I’m near enough ready for my charity ball for Wessex Cancer Trust. I’ve sold 177 tickets and I’m really, really excited. I hope the day goes well. We want to raise £7,500. All my nearest and dearest are coming - I feel like I’m getting married!

MARCH, 2008 My cancer had been in remission but I found a lump in my other breast two weeks ago. I’m in the hospital waiting for an operation.

I’m really nervous this time.

*** Things have changed somewhat in the last 15 minutes.

The doctor came in and said: “I’m sorry to tell you but the scans show the cancer has spread to your liver.”

I didn’t cry. He said we’d still go ahead with the surgery. I’ve spoken to my boyfriend Ben and I love the way he deals with it.

I’ve been worrying about fertility and losing my hair but now I’m just worried about whether I’m going to stay alive.

We’ll take it from today, the new chapter.

MARCH 19, 2008 They have told me it’s probably terminal. If it’s spread, that’s it, goodnight basically.

I’ve had a little cry about how I could have done different things with my life and taken different opportunities. It seems such a shame that I’ve just met a man who I love and I feel more emotionally together than I ever have. I feel the world’s my oyster and I’ve got so much to do and so much to prove. I don’t want to die.

But fight I will, because I refuse to let this beat me.

SEPTEMBER 25, 2008 All my care has transferred to the Royal Marsden Hospital in London.

I’ve had three months of chemotherapy. The last scan revealed that the lymph nodes down my right side were cancerous.

My oncologist has recommended a double mastectomy and reconstruction. If it saves my life it’s got to be a positive.

They’re going to use the excess fat on my tummy to reconstruct my breasts. I won’t have any nipples for six months and I’m going to be very scarred but I’m seeing it as the start of a new chapter. Hopefully that will eradicate all of the disease from my body and I can move on.

I’m very much looking forward to getting the operation out of the way – and coming out with pert boobs and a tummy tuck!

OCTOBER 9, 2008 It’s now two weeks since the operation. I haven’t shown Ben yet because I’m still coming to terms with it myself. On the plus side, I’ll never have droopy boobs!

They don’t look like normal breasts but if it’s going to save my life and mean I can live into my old age pension then it’s definitely worthwhile.

I feel far more positive about things today.

* * * Penny’s cancer spread to her spine and she died on April 4 this year. She no longer kept a video diary but in an interview a month before her death she said: “I’ve found a career I love; I’m in a stable relationship; I love my house… It seems so unfair, when I’ve worked so hard to get all of that and to have remained positive, to be told I’m going to die.

“There are days when you wake up and wish it could happen quicker, just to be over and done with.

“Other days I wake up and the grass seems greener, the sky seems bluer and I want to do as many things as I possibly can before my time is up. I suppose that’s natural.”

● Penny’s family and friends were among the thousands of women who took part in Cancer Research UK’s Race for Life this summer. If you haven’t yet returned your Race for Life sponsorship money you can still do so.