“LET’S stay friends.”

It is hard to think of a more ill conceived phrase in the history of human interaction.

This throw away, insincere remark is the standard way of ending a break-up speech and I have never understood why.

You are ending a relationship with somebody you may well be utterly sick of the sight of and just when they are about to be out of your life forever you throw them a lifeline of false hope.

I have remained close with some old girlfriends but only those who are firmly in the amicable break-up basket – or the one-night stand bucket.

Even these situations have led to the occasional unnecessary row or drunken mishap.

It always surprises me how many people seems desperate to remain friends with former partners in spite of a messy break-up or completely conflicting personalities.

A few months ago I found myself using these less popular “three little words” simply because it seems a kinder way of ending a tough conversation than the more honest “…anyway I think its best we never see or speak to each other again.”

This white lie left me open to a barrage of teary phone calls and awkward meetings.

The content of these conversations ranged from inconsolable weeping to furious berating until thankfully my regime of politeness and not answering my phone seemed to solve the problem.

On another occasion a hot girl broke up with me and then suggested we stayed friends and, of course, I followed protocol and made empty promises to stay in touch.

Then when I bumped into her some weeks later she had the barefaced cheek to complain about the quality of friendship I was offering.

She argued surely as a good friend I would want to help counsel her through a variety of problems she had managed to acquire since we had stopped dated.

I considered this for a moment.

Was she really suggesting I should be happy take on a nice heap of her stress without the pesky inconvenience of sleeping with her?

No, that didn’t seem right at all.

She must have carried on speaking after I had started pondering this point because I noticed she was now silent and seemed to be expecting a response from me.

As we had not really been friends in the first place, and had since had a slightly unpleasant break-up from my point of view, I saw no benefit in this.

Also I already had lots of friends scattered across the country who were always pestering me to have fun and they needed their fair share of the Simon pie.

I realised this excuse sounded bad as soon as it left my lips.

“So you are saying you are too popular to be friends with me,” she said in a slightly incredulous and disgusted tone.

“It’s not that I don’t think you would be a good friend,” I struggled, “It’s just that I’m not hiring at the moment.”

The girlfriend I have been most successful in staying in touch with is a cute little financial adviser I dated for five years in my London days who, at the time, was my best friend.

It was very difficult to try and separate these two parts of our relationship after we split up particularly when we both started seeing other people and moved to different parts of the country.

However, when she started to call to tell me about problems with her current partner I began to think I had overdone the whole “being friends” thing.

I still hold our friendship up as an example that it is possible to be pals with an ex.